P0rn0graphy, Secs, addiction and all that jazz

Hi I’m Elizabeth, and I’m a secs addict. My sobriety date is December 1,2016 (yep, coming off a recent relapse). 

I realized after publishing this that the content is blocked on my computer, so any time you see P, it is referring to P0rn. And secs is self explanatory. 

I’ve not found many women with whom I can relate on this issue. I’m sure you are out there- I would love to connect for support.  I spent months going to SA or SAA which is predominately men.  Most of the women who attend are in recovery from secs and love addiction- I don’t want to minimize what they have gone through, it’s just different than my experience. 

I don’t have secs or seek relationships for love or affection.  I seek secs as an escape. I have no emotional connection or intimacy when it comes to physical relationships.  That part of me shuts down when anything physical takes place.

My story, like many others I’ve heard, starts when I was a child. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a preoccupation with secs. I have had secsual trauma as a young child, and it’s unclear to me whether this fascination with secs started before or after.  Of course I had physical responses to what was happening, and those responses were often pleasurable. I’ve struggled (still do) for years about”liking it” or my own perceived participation.  As a child I would have physical responses to secsual content on television, which was embarrassing (even though no one knew) and further peaked my curiousity. By this time mstrbtion was an integral part of my daily routine, though I didn’t really understand how it worked exactly.  

I sought out anything secsual  I could find on tv- even going so far as hacking the 1990’s version of content restrictions on my television in my room to watch rated R movies.  

When the internet became available It was probably one of the single worst things to happen. P was readily available and worse than that was the ability to chat with others I didn’t know.  Like any other adolescent I knew more than my parents did about the computer, so erasing the evidence was easy. 

I would log onto chat rooms, lying about my age of course. I had a particular fondness for a will smith chat room- the freaks hang out anywhere I guess.  I thought saying I was a 15/f should be old enough. I had sexually explicit conversations with what I thought were boys near my age.  In reality, they were likely creepy old men also lying about their age.  I remember telling these guys that I wanted to wrap all 88″ of my legs around them- a quote I had tweaked from watching pretty woman. It didn’t take me long to develop more content as everything I knew about secs came from abuse, tv, and P. Secsual conversation was/is second nature and men do respond to that pornstartypesex talk. 

I had so many issues with being secsual in person because I felt guilty about seeking secs out, and about being physically touched.  I remember being on a date in high school; we made out (kissing mostly) on the beach- typical for kids in my hometown. Driving home he put his hand on my thigh slowly moving up my leg and then  asked if he could go further. The only problem I had was his asking, because giving permission was a novel idea. The only real physical interaction I had so far involved someone else just doing- there was no asking.  The asking permission is what made me uncomfortable. 

I never had a boyfriend through high school, but had various friends with benefits. This was mostly the scenario in college, though most of the benefits stopped short of actual secs.  What I preferred was what I found online whether it was in videos or chat.  I think I had more knowledge about secs just via virtual experience then someone my age should.

The P and chatting continued even after I started having sex.  The problem was that “normal” P no longer did the trick.  What I was watching turned to S&M.  A guy I slept with in my early 20’s was my first real intro to this.  He was a shrink (don’t worry, not mine).  He was also married, which was something I never thought I’d do, but it was one of the first of many boundaries that I let fly out the window.  

The secs was intense and he definitely dominated.  At one point he looks at me, mid session, and says “this isn’t going to work for you if I’m not holding you down, is it?” 

I woke up the next day with bruises down my arms, my wrists had obvious ligature marks, and my neck had bruises from his fingers. This, is what I needed. He called me the next day to say how close he felt after what we experienced. I stopped talking to him because of that statement. 

Most every secsual encounter I’ve sought out since has been either similar to that or someone who was using or degrading me.  That is what I knew best, and that is what I had to watch or do to keep from feeling uncomfortable. 

After years of this, and avoiding anything intimate, the P I had to watch became more and more violent.  I remember watching one video in particular that I felt literally disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t stop watching.  

Anytime anything bad or stressful happened, or if my insomnia was bad, I’d watch P and masturbate. Or chat and mstrbate. Sometimes so much that I wouldn’t leave my house. Sometimes an effort to make myself tired would result in me staying up all night, defeating the purpose all together. I couldn’t mstrbate without violent content.

The cycle was vicious because I was doing this to alleviate some bad feeling, but ended up feeling bad about what I was doing.

I’ve had my number of affairs, one night stands or strippers, all of which I find embarrassing now.  However I realized how big the problem was when I started meeting men for anonymous secs.  Men I found online, including CL. 

I was put in a situation that could have affected my job, one where I’m not entirely sure what happened, I’ve done things I never wanted to do, and I’ve had a man hit me so hard in the head that I lost hearing for a few moments.  And I kept doing it.  This was the lowest I’ve ever been.  And. I. Could. Not. Stop.

It took multiple internet encounters that made me realize how much of a problem this is.  It took me multiple therapy sessions to realize that the problem started over 20 years ago. 

The therapist suggested talking to my psychiatrist about medication for OCD (apparently this is tied to that). The meds helped control some of the obsessive thoughts, which makes it easier to not act on the compulsions.  She also suggested inpatient rehab…. which I think I’d do anything to avoid. 

I did make a commitment to try to work on this. I know that I want an intimate relationship and I’ll never have that by doing what I’ve done. I also know that I could end up dead or hurt by acting out the way I have.  

In the beginning I’d have a few days to a week of abstinence from P, chatting or partners.  Typically I’d relapse with P then spiral down again.  I tried the SA/SAA groups.  And I cannot get past step 2- the whole higher power thing sort of gets in the way. Being atheist isn’t easy in the program for me.  There is a lot of valuable things to be taken from the program though.  And the accountability from some people I met as well as my therapist was helpful. 

I was able to hear others’  struggles and not feel completely alone. I am more able to identify when I’m likely to want to act out and I’m more able to reach out for help.  I’ve taken some precautions to keep myself from having access to adult content, like having my phone password protected with a password I do not know.

I do feel better about what I’m trying to do, but its hard.  I feel stupid a lot because it seems like this should be easy, but it’s not.  

After almost 6 months of abstinence I recently fouled up. I found myself with a new phone and no password protection.  I’ve stopped taking my meds (I need to start again, seriously), I’ve been under a lot of stress, and generally have just been feeling bad about me. I’m sure this all contributed. The good thing, I only relapsed with online material.  

I really struggled with not taking it further- in the middle of the relapse my thought process was mostly “I’ve already fucked up, why not make it worth it and go all out.” I didn’t do that.  I’m mostly glad about that now. Mostly.

The things I keep trying to remember is how shitty I felt when I was at my worst, and all the scary dangerous things that happened or could have.  Also, the fact that it took months to be able to mstrbate in a non compulsive way and without violence. And most importantly, that if I want something intimate, emotionally and physically, I need to stop the behavior. Plus it overall makes me hate myself. 

So, here I am, 4 days abstinent. And I’ll take it one day at a time.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s