I read an article today about how rapefantasies and bdsm are being promoted by feminists as secsual freedom. I’m a feminist. I am a woman. I believe in secsual freedom. I’ve subscribed to the belief that those against any fantasy or fetish that women have are suppressing a woman’s secsual freedom. Rapefantasy, bdsm, humiliation, age play, etc all fell into this. Why shouldn’t women be permitted permitted to engage and enjoy the same level of k1nk as men.
To some degree I still agree with this. If swinging from ceiling fans is your cup of tea, by all means, drink up. But, why do we have these fantasies, and what type of people have them. I can only speak from my experiences. I’d love feedback on what others think.
I have been known to be fairly explicit about my own disdain for vanilla flavored activities. My own participation in bdsm and rapefantasy were self justified by this neo-feminist idea that secsuality should be enjoyed and women should not inhibit themselves by subscribing to a 1950s view of secs as pleasurable only for their partner.
We have fantasies too, and why not act them out. If the fantasy is between two consenting (maybe more) adults, have fun!
I still believe the above statement to be true. However, why and how do women come to fantasize about a man forcing himself on her, or being spanked, beaten, or treated like a child. I know some men have these fantasies too- but in my experience, more women are on the receiving end of the abuse. This is true of my observation of p0rn and of my conversations with women in general.
My biggest fantasy was a stranger torape me. Of course I didn’t really want to be raped. I just wanted to act it out. I’ve engaged in this as well as many other taboo type fantasies. The more I justified it to myself and others the more normal and progressive it felt.
I was asked recently (the past year or so) what type of men engaged in these fantasies. I brushed it off at first, but I never could quite let it rest. What type of men fantasize aboutraping, using, humiliating and abusing others. Not just men, even. I cannot imagine ever hurting someone else, though I readily subjected myself to it. I’m not talking about a little light spanking. My fantasy grew from that to wanting men to really hurt me, leave marks, really humiliating things. Those things, I’d never do to someone else. Thinking about what type of person would want to hurt and humiliate for their own sexual gratification really disturbed me.
If I am so disturbed that others’ want to humiliate and hurt others just to satisfy their desire, why was I not equally disturbed that I wanted to be the subject of that abuse? The more I think about the issue the more I realize that both can be destructive.
I say can be because I don’t want to lump all people or situations into one experience. What I was doing WAS destructive. The content I watched online became more violent and my actions were in line with what I watched. I do believe pornography can desensitize us and give us a false idea of what secs should be. I think watching can contribute to the objectification of women. In my case, I objectified myself. The women I watched were used/abused and that is how I’ve permitted men to treat me.
Not all of my past partners were bad or objectified women. A big part of the problem was me- I only knew and was comfortable with a very non intimate pornstartypesex. This actually caused problems in relationships because I was emotionally void. But give me a stranger or acquaintance where feelings were not expected, and I was a rockstar.
For years I continued on until it smacked me in the face. I will never have a real relationship if I continue down this path. I will never know real intimacy.
So begins the work in therapy. If you want something different you have to try something different. So, no activity that inhibits my ability to become really intimate.
But how the hell did I get here? I was abused as a kid, and I hate that I had pleasurable responses to that. There’s so much shame and guilt built into secs for me that the only way I feel comfortable is under the guise that I have no choice. Hence the rape fantasy. I feel guilty if I’m initiating/participating/seeking out secs. But if I have no choice, those feelings of guilt and shame are not as prominent.
Some of this I do think is directly related to my experience and abuse, but society drills in the same concept. Women who sleep with too many men are sluts, too secsual is a bad thing. Women are objects. Men have more power. Society builds in guilt and shame around a woman’s secsual.
In theory, I would support the p0rn industry. But. Only. In. Theory. If men and women equally had choice in participation and it did not perpetuate human trafficking and women were not the source of objectification and a thousand other things I could list, then yes, use your body for whatever you like. That is not the case.
Just google free p0rn. Okay, don’t, but speaking as a compulsive p0rn watcher in recovery, I know what I’m talking about. What you see isn’t mutually loving, respectful, or realistic. The majority of videos you will see a power play, and the man has the power. This is what our boys and girls are learning.
My own experience combined with guilt and shame and constant objectification of women in society brought me to a dark place. If the only way I could feel okay about my secsuality was by allowing others to objectify or abuse me, I wasn’t really comfortable at all. And if my fantasy was growing in that I wanted to be abused in new harder ways, my partners’ fantasies were likely growing too. I’m not sure that’s good for any of us.
I am ashamed of much of what I’ve done, but it’s taken me years to admit that. The neo feminist movement of women accepting any of their fantasies and embracing them really helped me justify what I was doing. And in the justification I took place in demeaning other women. They were prudes. They would never satisfy their partners. They didn’t know fun.
They knew love and commitment and intimacy though. These are things I wanted in a relationship but not in secs. The two are not mutually exclusive. By being so progressive I my secsual freedom I never fully understood the connection secs could bring. I still don’t. I’m working on it every day.