My assignment from the therapist this week is to write about my “plan” or to write about not having a plan.
I’ve been in a slow downward spiral with intermittent moments/days of abstinence for weeks now. I cannot seem to get any traction. Its mostly inappropriate chat, video/pic exchange and mastrbtion. I do not know these people, and I do not know where they are from.
My phone is locked down so that I do not have access to “adult content,” but I’ve figured out a way around it to chat with these people. Not only did I figure out a way around it, I cannot figure out how to block it. I have moments of deleting applications on my phone, only to download them again days later. So, do I want a plan? Do I want to stop?
Its incredible at how I can justify what I’m doing as harmless. My top reasons for wanting to continue are as follows: I’ve already started, why stop now? It is harmless because I do not know where these people are and i’ll never meet them. I can stop anytime I want, maybe tomorrow.
The reasons why I know I should try to stop the behavior are many. I know I will do this for awhile, but I know it will escalate. Also, I finally had reached a place where I could have a normal physical response without violence associated with it- since this latest “relapse” there is no normal response. Violence, through words or videos is necessary. Its not normal to have inappropriate conversations all day long with strangers. Most of these strangers actually make me feel terrible about myself. I’ve tried to not engage the past day or two, and I have a plethora of messages come through that make me feel like a terrible person for not engaging. I let strangers guilt trip me into “playing” because I already started the game. I should just delete the app- but part of me wants to stay connected. A big part of me wants to stay connected.
If I chose to not have a plan, I will continue down this path. I currently feel out of control in all aspects of my life and have been engaging in some risky behavior in addition to what I’ve been talking about on here. I know that will only get worse, and I’m likely going to start seeking out partners rather than just engaging in the chatter. That’s what I do. So here is my plan:
I need to find a way to permanently delete these applications, even if that means I end up blocking others that are harmless in the process.
I need to remember the things that I can do instead, that are healthy, like:
Talk to a friend
Play with the pup
(I will take suggestions if you have any thoughts)
I also need to start doing things that overall make me a healthier person- not just waiting to pick up the pieces after everything falls apart. I need to do the things that will get me to the place I want to be. Some things that I would like to implement everyday (some of these I do, but need to keep doing)…
Take my meds
Go for a walk in the morning with the dog
eat a healthy breakfast
meditate for at least 5 minutes
keep a daily journal
Makeup/hair (it helps)
At least 3 days of 30min + exercise
one day of yoga
Meal plan/prep for the upcoming week
I do some of these, some of the time. They’re all things that have proven to be helpful to my life. When I stop doing them consistently I make more room for the things that I’d like to give up. I’d like to get back on track with trying to be the happier/healthier version of myself.
I want to be physically healthy. I want to lose weight, and be in shape. I want to quit smoking. I want to be emotionally healthy. I want to have meaningful relationships that are fulfilling. Not relationships that make me feel worse about myself and my choices.